


Never Go Back

by mikkimikka



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: F/M, M/M, and so does masato, tokiya sucks in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-23
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-05-15 19:23:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5796829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikkimikka/pseuds/mikkimikka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Masato gave up on his dream for the sake of the woman he loved. 6 years later Masato is forced to admit to himself that everything had been a mistake as the world begins to crumble around him during Haruka's 2nd pregnancy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Steam filled the room as hot bath water poured from the faucet. The tub filled rapidly with lavender scented colored water as in the adjacent room a single person undressed. With precision white slender fingers – fingers of a pianist – folded a knitted sweater into a square setting it aside in a separate pile. Cashmere was one of his favorites as it didn't itch the smooth skin of his arms and he couldn't afford to have it ruined.

Sliding the door open and revealing the wide spacious bathing area, Hijirikawa Masato stepped inside taking 3 steps across the length of the room and then bending over to stop the faucet from running.

Immediately hot, burning hot hands seized him from behind, moving like smooth velvet across his skin and around slipping around his torso. He tensed up and then melted, sliding against the heated body. He let his eyes close and his partner's index finger hit against his nipple.

"Jinguji-"

And then the rest of his words were swallowed in a kiss. He turned, his lover allowed it, and wrapped his arms around the tanned waist of Jinguji Ren. He let his eyes open as their face broke apart and he could make out Ren's grin in the steamy room and he was almost left breathless.

"I told you not to follow me in here."

"I've always been hardheaded," Ren countered, voice exceedingly husky.

Masato found himself playing, touching, caressing the skin at the small of his partner's back as he looked down and placed a series of butterfly kisses across Ren's collarbone. He leaned back and breathed in the scent of his lover, still so strong despite the lavender wafting thickly in the air.

"I love you," almost tumbled from his mouth but he swallowed the words down leaving them unspoken and moved, pushing Ren away.

"Close the door," he commanded instead and Ren did as told letting the shower enclose them in the space.

The shower room was wide and covered all over in beautiful spotless white tile. Masato seated himself on a low bench and Ren plopped down beside him. They washed methodically, the previous mood seemingly lost in the task of cleaning their bodies. Perhaps Ren meant nothing by joining him. The room was certainly big enough for multiple people to shower and then soak. Only once did Ren touch him as he reached for a shampoo but it was quick and unintentional.

Masato finished first, his hair washing regimen decidedly much shorter than Ren's, and stood, making his way to the hot water of the bath beside him. He let himself go completely as he entered. All of his muscles relaxed in the heat and in that moment Masato had to give silent thanks to the universe for allowing him to be born Japanese. It wasn't even a hot spring but he missed it for sure. It had been too long, because really anything more than a week was too long, since he last bath. The past few weeks had been grueling and he never had time to unwind the way he really wanted to.

Eye lids slipped closed as his head tilted back, hitting against the tiles. Masato didn't even move as he felt the water stir beside him and Ren's legs brush against his underneath the water. He didn't even bother to complain that the other was much too close for the size of the facility. He knew that Ren was aware that he didn't even care. The contact was also what he desired to unwind properly.

Reaching out, Masato searched with eyes closed for the hand of his companion and finding it intertwined their fingers and enjoyed the way Ren squeezed him back.

Three and a half weeks. That was how long it had been since he could indulge like this both in the pleasures of a bath and in his lover. After all, Canada didn't have such baths nor did it have Ren. Masato felt time was slowed as long as they were in the rented room.

Sneaking around had never felt so right, so justified than it did in his stolen moments and he wondered really why it was that Ren agreed to it. They both were busy men Masato knew it. Though Ren wasn't intended to inherit his family's business like he was they were both extremely involved in the proceedings. And yet he always had time to meet after his trips, movie and modeling career aside, the fact that Masato had a wife and child largely ignored.

Masato pushed down the guilt in his belly at the reminder of Haruka and instead squeezed Ren's hand tighter.

"I'm here," Ren replied as if sensing his partner's apprehension.

The Hijirikawa heir didn't bother to reply but he opened his eyes to make sure it was Ren who was really there and not the woman he had just thought about. Their eyes met and Ren closed the gap between them pulling Masato's body close and kissing him with passion that never seemed to die down no matter how many years they continued to meet like this.

It was too hot in the bath for such business and Masato pushed Ren away by the shoulder and stood making his way out of the bath.

Grabbing a towel as he exited Masato toweled off and padded across the plush carpeted room, dropping water everywhere, before he reached the bed at the end of the room. He patted the rest of his body dry then tossed aside his towel and pulled a yukata on loosely around his body. Of course he had noticed the way Ren had already crawled onto the bed, dried off, though his hair still dripped water onto his pillows and shoulders, and completely naked.

"Why do you always insist on putting that on when you know I'll only pull it back off?"

Masato turned his face to hid his smirk but of course Ren knew it was there.

It wasn't even morning. Masato knew it couldn't have been more than a few minutes after he had dozed off after having made lover when he was stirred awake from the light sleep by the feeling of Ren moving out of the bed. He moaned something, perhaps it was a question, and Ren glanced at him a smirk on his face that even in his sleep and post coitus haze Masato could tell didn't reach the other's eyes.

"Schedule in a few."

"Then why did you agree to meet?" Masato wanted to ask but he didn't bother.

He knew that Ren had his own life and he knew he was supposed to have one too but he couldn't help but want to linger in this fake one whenever he could. He liked to pretend that Ren enjoyed it too. That's why he always came.

Masato leaned into a kiss Ren planted on his cheek. He watched as Ren, smoothing his hair down as he passed by a mounted mirror, made his way to the door.

"Tell the little lamb and Kazuma I say 'hi'," Ren said instead of goodbye.

They both knew that Masato wouldn't and yet that was the way Ren always departed. Each time never failed to leave him feeling ridden with guilt.

\--------------------------------------

"I'm home," Masato said as he entered his Kyoto family residence.

Despite the size of the estate there was always someone near the door to greet him upon returning home. He was only grateful that instead of his wife it was little Kazuma instead.

"Dad!" the voice of the 5 year old rang from down the hall.

Masato dropped his suitcase on the floor and waited as sure enough a little bundle of energy came tearing down the hall in a blue t-shirt, tiny jean shorts and white socks that stopped mid calf. Kazuma came barreling towards him, midnight colored tresses of hair bouncing as he did so, and smiling widely. Masato stooped down enveloping the kindergarten aged boy in a hug. The child snuggled into it.

"Dad, I missed you!"

"I missed you too, Kazu-kun," Masato said, smiling warmly at the boy and being proud of himself upon realizing that he was telling the truth.

"How was Canata?" Kazuma asked, he always made a point to remember where his dad went on his frequent business trips, though not always correctly.

"Canada," corrected Masato. "And it was very cool out. Even though it's May the mornings aren't as warm as here in Japan yet."

Masato dug into his bag and pulled out a beaver stuffed toy causing the boy's face to light up.

"Oh! What's this?" Kazuma grabbed the toy looking it over and pinching the flat tail.

"It's a beaver. It's an animal in Canada we don't have in Japan," explained Masato patiently.

"COOL!"

Masato smiled fondly as he watched Kazuma inspect the animal with a sense of wonder only found in children of his age. The moment however was ruined as the familiar soft voice of his wife rang through the air.

"Kazuma?"

Kazuma and Masato looked up from the toy.

"Mommy, I'm here! Dad's home!"

Masato kept his eye trained to the ground as his wife's slipper clad feet came into view. He braced himself, swallowing his guilt of the events of the previous morning down like a bitter pill.

"Mommy! Look!"

"Oh, Kazu-kun, what's that?" Haruka came closer and crouched down.

Masato stood quickly, not ready to meet at eye level.

"It's a beaver. Dad got it from me from Canata!"

Masato muttered the correction under his breath, "Canada." and finally looked at Haruka kneeling on the floor with what was supposed to be his little boy. Kazuma was hugging the beaver as Haruka cooed over it. Kazuma was so precious and he didn't regret one bit having the boy in his life but seeing the kid with his mother somehow bothered him greatly.

He knew from the beginning that the boy wasn't his. He knew it even before their wedding day and he told himself that he didn't care. But then why was it then, that every time the boy laughed and Haruka fawned over him did it bother him so much? Why was it that he couldn't get rid of the bitter taste in his mouth over the fact that that nose, those eyes, those lips on their cute little Hijirikawa Kazuma belonged to none other than Ichinose Tokiya?

Haruka stood. Masato, not ready for the sudden movement took a step back and his eyes fell immediately to the swell of Haruka's pregnant belly. This time his.

Haruka noticed the focus of his gaze and smiled softly letting a hand rest on her stomach.

Guilt ate at him and saying nothing more he walked away carrying his bag up to his room. Thankfully nobody followed.

In the beginning it was easy to blame his dissatisfaction with marriage on the circumstances surrounding him and Haruka's union. He remembered the day 6 years ago he found the composer hunched in front of the piano crying, bawling her eyes out. The memory was as clear as if it had just occurred.

"Nanami-san."

Haruka was startled by the sound of his voice and she sat up, wiping the tears from her streaked face.

"Nanami-san, what's wrong?"

"Excuse me, I'm sorry!" the composer stood and ran out of the room in a hurry.

In all of his years of acquaintance with Haruka, Masato has never seen her in such a state of obvious distress. And it wasn't just that evening either. From that day forward whenever they met on the premises the girl was merely a ghost of her past self. She seemed to be going through the motions and nobody quite knew what to make of the situation.

The members of STARISH worried but were unable to gather any information from Tomochika, the only person who seemed to be in the confidence of Haruka and knew exactly what was going on. Natsuki began baking things to try to cheer their friend up but it failed. Even Ren's crass flirtions failed to get a rise out of her.

It was Ai who said the thing that started to make their worlds crumble from beneath them. They sat ruminating on the strangeness of Haruka's recent behavior and depression. Natsuki looked on the verge of tears and Syo sat helplessly beside him ready to comfort his older friend if need be. Tokiya feigned disinterest by reading his book but Masato knew that he felt the same as the rest of them for their composer and friend.

"Why won't Shibuya just tell us what's up so we can help Haruka?" Syo growled, frustration displaying itself in a fit of anger.

"Haru-chan, I miss her beautiful smile," Otoya sighed. "I... I mean music!" He quickly corrected himself.

"I miss the little lamb's smile too," Ren assured the red headed guitarist. "No need to be embarrassed."

"Her smile and music would be needed for a subpar group as yours to continue as a passable unit," Camus commented not so helpfully before leaving the room.

And finally that was when Ai spoke, "Perhaps Haruka's depression is caused by the worry and stress related to her pregnancy."

It was as if time came screaming to a halt at that moment as every man in the room processed Ai's ridiculous suggestion.

"I believe your wiring is faulty there. The little lamb is not pregnant," Ren was the first to speak.

"Haru-chan doesn't have a boyfriend!" Natsuki chimed.

If Masato weren't as distressed from the news as the others he would have probably been amused by Ranmaru's attempt to calm Cecil down from the corner of his eye.

"Hm...My data has had her marked as pregnant for quite some time now," Ai went on.

"Quite some time?" Ranmaru asked the question everyone had on their mind.

"A little over two months."

Needless to say, Chaos once again broke lose and the guys began to shout and carry on. Masato however sat stunned in his chair. His heart became paralyzed with fear. He didn't have anger. There was no shred of it. Instead he became gripped with worry. Pregnant? Haruka? But how? And she was facing it alone? That day earlier in the week at the piano when Haruka had been crying, no wonder Masato's heart cried out for her. He felt her pain and he was compelled to heal it.

Masato was infatuated with the composer. If anyone were to ask she was the only person in the world for him. It was something akin to torture inside to not be able to help her. He had only lingered in the shadows and watched her as she began to waste away. Worry began to eat at his heart the same way whatever bothered the composer ate at hers. He told himself if there was anything he could do to help her he'd do it. It was a personal vow and now he was going to make sure he went through with it.

He stood and slipped out out of the door to seek the girl out. He had to confront her and in his haste and reflection he hadn't noticed that Tokiya had slipped from the room as soon as Ai had made the pronouncement.

Masato walked as fast as he could towards the area Haruka's room was located. He neared the stairwell and as he did he heard voices. His footsteps hurried as the voices began to rise in the tell tale rhythm of bickering. He almost flinched when Tokiya's yell came out as a bark as he reached the area in time.

"Get rid of it!"

"I, I-"

"Get rid of it!" the second time lost the commanding tone of the first, instead coming out as desperate.

"Nanami!" Masato called.

Tokiya glanced to the side but otherwise ignored Masato instead focusing again on a Haruka who was stunned beyond belief and unable to respond. She hugged her arms tightly in a defensive position and Tokiya spoke again.

"Don't do this. We worked so hard for everything after all of these years. You can't have it. It'll ruin everything," Tokiya spoke, breathless but otherwise more calm than before.

Haruka shook her head and hugged herself tighter, "B,but-"

"Haruka!" Tokiya barked again and he reached out for her but that was when Masato knew he had to act.

He wedged himself between the two.

"Stop!" Masato commanded, chest heaving.

"You don't understand," Tokiya began.

"I understand enough. Don't you see you're hurting her?" Masato narrowed his eyes.

Tokiya looked like he was going to say more but stopped as Haruka touched Masato's shoulder. Masato refused to let his guard down but glanced beside him as Haruka stepped forward. His heart filled to the brim at the sight of the bravery on her face.

"I'm sorry," she began. "But there is no way I'm giving up our baby."

Tokiya looked distressed, "But you... we can't. We can't be parents. What about STARISH?"

Haruka bit her lip mustering up strength. She shook her head and spoke quivering a bit but still strong regardless.

"Is STARISH more important to you than me?"

It was such a loaded question and Masato, as a member of STARISH, knew the weight of it. He saw the passing of so many emotions in Tokiya's eyes. Of course Tokiya knew as much as Masato did, as Haruka herself did, how much of the composer's essence made up the group. Without Haruka just who were they? If he were to say STARISH, if he chose fame, fortune and a shot of keeping everything the 7 of them worked for what would that mean? Masato felt the pain even in his own gut as the answer the the question began to form in Tokiya's eyes. The dark orbs began to harden as his jaw set firmly. Words began to pass through his lips.

"Get rid of it."

Without waiting for an answer, perhaps having reached his own emotional limit, Tokiya stalked off with fists clenched tightly at his sides. Haruka staggered backwards before her body sagged against the wall.

"Haruka!"

Masato joined her side, taking her by the arm.

"No," she said softly, hand touching at her belly and suddenly her eyes began to drip with fresh tears. "I can't. I can't!"

She shook her head wildly and Masato gathered the girl close to him. She pressed her wet cheek against his chest and he held her there as she wept.

"I can't!"

Masato stared down at her unsure of what to do with himself. He lifted a shaky hand and carded it experimentally through Haruka's bright colored hair. He knew what he could do to help her.

"Then don't," he said.

"What?" she looked up at him with wet eyes.

"Don't get rid of it. I'll marry you."

"But...," Haruka pulled away quickly as if stung.

"STARISH or you? That's the question, right? I choose you."

"You... you can't mean that. You, but this baby... it's-"

It wasn't his baby and perhaps none of this business. Was that what she wanted to say? But whatever had been brewing between the composer he loved obviously could proceed no further if Tokiya wished to discard their unborn child.

"I understand," Masato said. "And I'm sure."

In that moment, looking as Haruka as beautiful as she was in her pure agony, Masato was sure he had never felt so convinced about anything in his life. There was nothing in the world he felt could stop him from loving the woman standing in front of her or her baby. It was like a dream sequence that passed before his eyes.

He imagined them at the alter in a traditional wedding, Haruka in a beautiful kimono, his mother's kimono. His wife was always supposed to wear it after all. He saw them holding the newborn child, of him being glad that the father was Ichinose because it would be easy to pass off his child as his own. He pictured the kid's first 7-5-3 festival at the shrine. He saw himself finally accepting his role completely in the Hijirikawa group as heir. Everything would be perfect.

He was convinced that it was fate.

"Marry me."

He held out his hand and Haruka looked at him with large amber eyes. How could she be so ethereal a beauty despite being flushed and swollen from crying?

Haruka shook her head and Masato feared the worst. He didn't know what he would do if he were rejected. Desperation was about to take over but then she reached out and placed her hand in his. Perhaps in hindsight she were the one desperate; not only to keep the baby but also the pure love that could only come from a man willing to marry a woman right away despite her having their mutual friend's baby.

Masato allowed his hand to close around Haruka's and he never thought he'd ever feel anything again that would feel so right.

-to be continued-


	2. Chapter 2

"Well this is nostalgic."

Masato, newly married, bristled clenching his jaw. He didn't wish to turn. He didn't wish to address the voice of the person he knew approached him. Maybe if he ignored it they'd go away. Of course such tactics never worked with the likes of Ren. Masato took a long sip of his champagne as the STARISH member, his ex-member, stepped beside him.

It was the night of a great gala hosted by a close business associate of his father's. Masato was no stranger to such events though he had stopped attending after joining STARISH. Only now that he'd left the idol life behind and began his life as a business man did he return to attending such things depsite his utter hatred of them.

Of course he knew Jinguji's family would be among the list of invited guests but he'd hoped that his past rival would have been too busy with his actual job to attend. Unfortunately he was wrong.

Masato crossed his arms looking guarded. He still didn't glance over at the man beside him.

"It's been months since I've attended one of these things."

Ren was speaking and Masato gulped down a sigh with another swig of alcohol from his glass.

"Of course it makes sense you being part of your company again," chuckled the sax player.

Masato huffed, setting his flute down on an end table and turning his head to regard Ren with a set frown, "What are you doing here?"

"Working. Unlike you I didn't completely abandon my responsibilities to play idol."

It was true. Ren's being an idol was always tied closely with his family's work as well. It was what he could do since he wasn't the eldest. Masato fought to keep his face impassive and not reveal how uncomfortable he felt. He hadn't spoken to anyone from STARISH since he had left the group 7 months prior.

"I didn't abandon my responsibilities. I'm working here now," Masato countered lamely.

"Yeah, after you got the little lamb knocked up and had to marry her," Ren retorted.

Masato glared.

"What? Is that a sore point for you?" asked the tanned idol.

There was no incentive for Masato to explain the reason for the hasty marriage to anyone. He vowed to himself to keep the secret of Kazuma's true parentage to himself. He was certain that Tokiya would appreciate that even though the two hadn't spoken since the announcement of Masato's withdrawal from the group.

"Look, I'm not trying to give you a hard time about that. The others are still pretty pissed about it sure. You did leave us in a bit of a pinch. It was a media disaster. By the way, how was Bali?"

Masato didn't want to know how Ren knew he and Haruka honeymooned in Indonesia nor did he wish to discuss it. It was a strange memory for him. He wasn't even upset that at first she didn't want to have sex with him. Consummation of the marriage wasn't important. It was her being by his side that was. And eventually, after days of her crying, of him wiping her tears on the beaches she let him touch her like a man does his wife.

Ren grabbed a flute of champagne from a passing waiter and stuffed one hand in his pocket as h drank from it. Masato wondered if it'd be rude to walk away. Ren began to speak once again.

"I don't see the missus anywhere. Is everything OK?"

"She's at the house with Kazuma. She couldn't attend. It was a difficult delivery."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

An awkward silence fell over them and Masato wished he had something in his hands to play with. He even began to hope that one of those annoying business associates of his would come and pull him away from it.

"Kazuma... Hijirikawa Kazuma..."

Masato hated hearing Ren try the name out on his tongue. He decided to excuse himself..

"Well, it was nice but I have other things to do."

"Like what?" challenged Ren.

"Like talk to other guest. Business partners for example."

Ren scoffed, "Really? As if those old geezers would be better company than myself."

"I'd prefer not to answer that."

A tired sigh escaped from Ren and he drained the rest of his drink and then spun the stem of the glass in his fingers.

"You're really going to do this, huh? Just forget about me and everybody."

"What is there to even think about? It's not like I can rejoin now that I have a family to take care of."

"Heartless. Do you really only care about yourself? Of course I-" Ren caught himself. "We still think about you. You are our member and they're angry because we are supposed to be like family."

Masato warred a bit within himself uncomfortable with the use of present tense and unsure as to how to reply before sheepishly giving into his feelings. He avoided following entertainment news, he and Haruka both. It would just be unneeded stress for both of them. But still something in his gut really wanted to know how his friends were doing. He was actually relieved to hear from Ren that the group was able to bounce back despite what he completely believed was a nightmare as far as public relations goes.

"You can't help who you fall in love with," Masato finally uttered as if that excused anything.

What he didn't expect though was the sad and wistful reply of Ren.

"No... I guess you can't."

It was the sigh of a man who knew about the strange workings of love. Masato considered himself a victim of it himself but he didn't press further. He hated to assume anything. He was near certain Ren was never serious about Haruka and merely flirted with her to get a reaction from everyone else. However Masato had never been an expert in reading other people's feelings. He definitely didn't suspect Haruka and Tokiya of breaking the no love law though it was obvious at that point that on Tokiya's part "love" wasn't the operative word.

"Let's get out of here," Ren cut through Masato's thoughts.

"And go where?"

"Anywhere," Ren replied reaching up to loosen his tie. "You know I only came here to meet you so let's go. This place stinks."

Masato contemplated it for about a second before conceding to the idea. Ren was his friend, a better friend than he had given him credit for. He had sought him out even after Masato deliberately severed ties with the group months ago. If he was being truthful Masato would have to admit he felt grateful and indebted to Ren for his generosity. It'd be a lie for him to say he hadn't missed any of them.

"Lead the way."

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

The guilt never lasted longer than a day. After returning to his house, spending sometime with Haruka and Kazuma, and settling back into his usual routine Masato found it easy to forget about his infidelity. Rationalization of a misdeed had easily became one of his talents. After all, he wasn't the only one of his peers who did it.

Masato was happy. He had always been happy from the day Haruka put her little hand in his and said yes to his proposal. There was never any reason for regret in his decision. It was a noble thing really, to give up every single thing as sacrifice for the sake of the woman he loved. He stood by that decision.

Of course saying that one was happy and yet going behind and cheating on one's wife regularly wasn't something that typically made sense. Perhaps that was why Masato refused to probe too much into it. He loved Haruka when he married her and still did.

"Which do you like?" Haruka asked holding up two different punches of yarn one sea foam green and another with blue confetti like pattern.

Masato frowned looking at the two and he wasn't fast enough before Haruka set them both down and huffed in frustration.

"I wish I never got rid of Kazuma's baby things. We wouldn't have to do any of this again."

"That was quite some time ago. It's fine," Masato said in an attempt to placate the woman who looked more upset than the situation called for.

"You don't care about the baby? But you waited so long for this. Finally another baby!"

"I don't care about things like this. Only about the baby," Masato tried again.

Haruka smiled a watery smile before finally replacing the things in her knitting basket.

"Shouldn't you be resting anyway, Kazu-kun returns home from school soon. You know we won't have a moment's rest when he does," Masato said noting the way the woman couldn't stay still for a moment the entire day in the house.

"I'm always like this," Haruka replied. "You just don't see it because you work all of the time."

Masato figured it was a fair enough complaint though maybe "all of the time" was an exaggeration (and a good portion of his time spent in Tokyo was decidedly not spent doing business). Haruka was a housewife on paper but she was anything but idle. Her husband being wealthy did not stop her from being industrious around the house. She got her hands into everything including gardening, cooking and housework. On top of that she had taken to offering piano lessons to the children of Masato's colleagues and teaching Kazuma to play as well. Unfortunately the boy didn't seem to take an interest in playing piano like his parents instead preferring reading and other quiet activities more.

Haruka came sitting beside her husband and pouring herself a bit of Rooibos tea from the pot in front of them.

"But I suppose you're right," she said. "Speaking of working, are you off this coming weekend?"

"It hasn't been decided yet," Masato replied quickly, his standard reply for when he didn't have work but wanted to keep his options open. "Why?"

"It's just rare for you to be here in the middle of the week. I suspected that meant there must be a catch somewhere."

"Oh," Masato hadn't quite thought of it that way but it made sense. "No, I don't think there's any catch."

Haruka smiled, "Then that means you might be able to come with me to the hospital that day?"

Masato froze, "Hospital?"

His wife laughed, covering her mouth with a hand. She looked really cute, exactly like she did back in their academy days and his confusion melted into a smile at the sweet comparison.

"Don't look so worried. It's just an ultrasound. You never actually got to see your son yet, you know," Haruka's face took on a shy yet happy quality. Even after all of the years she never lost that innocent feeling about her like a fresh spring.

"I suppose I haven't," Masato nodded.

He made mental note that he should definitely make time on Saturday for the appointment.

"You know I'm really happy that we're having this baby," Haruka said, her voice taking on a strange note. Something light with a tinge of melancholy. "You've been so good to me and Kazu-kun... It's the least I could do to bear you a son of your own."

Masato was startled by the sudden train of thought Haruka had ventured on.

"Even after all of these years I still feel as if I need to show you how I'm so grateful. I'd be lost without you."

"You don't have to repay me. You're my wife," Masato was stunned.

"Don't you think you'd be happier having a son of your own?"

Masato couldn't believe she was asking him that. Had he ever shown one bit that he didn't regard Kazuma as his own son? Was that the only reason she wanted to have another baby so she could repay some kind of debt to him? It bothered him greatly to think of it. Did Haruka only really regard Kazuma and hers rather than theirs.

He had long since accepted the fact that Haruka wouldn't love him the way he loved her. It was fine. Most marriages weren't built on a foundation of love. Especially not those forged in his world where people married for the advancement of the family. He considered himself lucky to be able to marry the woman of his choice. He didn't expect anything from her but to have her by his side. He thought he made the clear from day one.

"Kazuma is my son."

"I'm so glad" Haruka's vice was soft and she set her tea cup down quietly pulling her legs up to her chest.

"Glad?"

Masato turned to his wife and noted the tear escape from the corner of her eye which she quickly wiped away with the back of her hand. Startled Masato grabbed her wrist and more tears spilled out.

She nodded, "I just... I thought the reason you work so much... I thought... I don't know just maybe Kazuma bothered you. He looks so much like To- his father."

Ignoring the way Haruka caught herself from saying Tokiya's name Masato focused on something else.

"Just, none of the other ladies around here has husbands who work as much as you do. I was worried that... that..."

"That what?" pressed Masato.

Haruka shook her head and pulled away picking up her cup of tea again.

Masato reassured her. "What is it?"

"But it is," replied Haruka with a tired laugh. "Because I should have known better. I know you. You're so great and.. I.. I can't believe I even thought maybe there was someone else."

"Someone else...?" Masato hoped his voice wasn't as transparent as he felt.

Haruka shook her head, "Sorry I was just being paranoid. I don't know. Maybe it's hormones or something. I can't even remember what it was like last time. I just remembered being so overwhelmed."

Masato nodded numbly and was saved the need to reply by the sound of Kazuma's voice in the entrance of the house.

"I'm home!"

"Welcome home," Haruka called back in reply and standing went off to greet their son and help him settle in from school.

She left a still bewildered Masato behind on the tatami floor. He tried to school the shock away from his face as his mind ran a mile a minute. The previously dissipated guilt came back in full force like some sort of battering ram.

He was equal parts upset as he was frightened. The thought that Haruka got pregnant with their unborn child only as some sort of repayment towards him made him feel dirty. He didn't expect payment for what he did for them. Of course now, older and a tad bit wiser, he realized how rash his decision was but he didn't live regretting it. Living with Haruka for the past few years he hadn't grown disenchanted with her. Rather he found that she was exactly how he'd always imagined.

But the fright came from the chilling accusation. He had been so careful with his rendezvous. There was not even a trace of his extramarital dealings. After all, he and Ren didn't communicate except through Masato's work mail and phone. If anything, seeing all of the visits to various parts of the country would only strengthen the idea that it was truly work related business that kept him away. The expenses incurred from rented rooms were handled through his private account as well.

Besides, Ren was his friend. A good friend. Haruka knew that.

Masato shook his head. Haruka hadn't even met with Ren recently. There would be no reason to even suspect him. Haruka knew the two reconciled sometime after Masato's withdrawal from the group but to her knowledge the two had only met a handful of times at galas that Haruka had also been in attendance of.

In his panic Masato realized he was failing to think straight. He would have to calm down and take a step back. He had to focus on Haruka anyhow and the baby. He could do that much. There was no reason anyway for him to keep seeing Ren anyway. He was only being greedy.

Still, his mind betrayed him by showing him a montage of all of the times he swallowed the words "I love you" down when he was with the other man. He fought against the bile in his throat and explained it away as him only having been in the moment.

He loved Haruka.

He was happy.

-to be continued-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading. i hope it's obvious in this fic what are flashbacks and what aren't. also i realized I lied. this is my 4th utapri fic. the other two were HEAVENS centric. They're finished though if you'd like to check them out. Thanks for reading, really I appreciate it. Please leave a comment if you can.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Masato gave up on his dream for the sake of the woman he loved. 6 years later Masato is forced to admit to himself that everything had been a mistake as the world begins to crumble around him during Haruka's 2nd pregnancy.

To: Jinguji Ren (moereru. rose gmail .com)

From: Hijirikawa Masato (HijirikawaMasato hijirikawagroup .com)  
Subject: (no subject)

Dear Ren,

How are you today? The end of May looms ahead and therefore the days are becoming warmer. I apologize for the weeks without communication and I thank you for allowing me this space. I have as you may have assumed been extremely busy.

There are many things coming along for me right now. Kazuma is preparing for his piano recital soon. He still complains daily about his lessons but I'm sure he will learn to love it in time. Also, my wife is once again pregnant. We have known for quite some time now but I realize I have neglected to inform you though she is already 5 months along. We will be having another boy. A variety of names have already come to mind including Yuuma which I prefer and Masaki, Haruka's choice.

Regardless, I am busy and shall end this brief email here. Take care of your body. Despite it being warmer your lifestyle leaves you susceptible to colds.

Sincerely,

Hijirikawa Masato

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

To: Hijirikawa Masato (hijirikawamasato hijirikawagroup .com

From: Jinguji Ren (moereru. rose

Subject: re: no subject

Hey. Congartulations! You're going to be a father again! I cannot believe this is happening. What twist of fate is allowing you to produce so many spawn? I like Yuuma over that other name. You probably shouldn't put so much pressure on Kazuma about the piano thing. If he doesn't want to play piano then he doesn't want to play piano. You should of all people know that.

Btw when do you think we can meet again? Will you be in the area? If not that's fine too. I'm going to be in Osaka for a filming this weekend. Let me know.

\--------------------------------------------

To: Jinguji Ren (moereru. rose gmail .com)

From: Hijirikawa Masato (HijirikawaMasato hijirikawagroup .com)  
Subject: re: re: (no subject)

Dear Ren,

Thank you for your email. Today was extremely warm. I even had to loosen my necktie in the office. Summer dress code will start soon which leaves me relieved.

I also wish to thank you for your warm congratulations. Haruka and I are very happy. Kazuma also is looking forward to becoming an older brother. I understand his feelings as I feel very deeply for my younger sister. Maybe that is something I can relate to your older brothers about.

As far as Kazuma's piano studies go I would like you to refrain from commenting. You do not have children therefore do not understand our desire that he excel.

I am afraid meeting will be difficult to arrange neither here nor there. I apologize. Please take care of your health and stay hydrated.

Sincerely,

Hijirikawa Masato

\----------------------------------------------

To: Hijirikawa Masato (hijirikawamasato hijirikawagroup .com

From: Jinguji Ren (moereru. rose

Subject: re: re: re: no subject

OK. So you're telling me that you don't remember anything about our childhood and how we wanted to pursue our own dreams and passions? Wanting him to excel does not equal forcing him to do what you want him to do.

Also, I'm in Osaka on the 1st just so you know.

\------------------------------------------------------------

To: Jinguji Ren (moereru. rose gmail .com)

From: Hijirikawa Masato (HijirikawaMasato hijirikawagroup .com)  
Subject: re: re: re: re: (no subject)

Dear Ren,

I thank you for the swift reply.

Kazuma is five years old. Teaching him to play the piano is not deterring him from his other interest such as reading and playing with puzzles. He finished putting together a 500 piece of Kiyomizudera yesterday all by himself.

I hope you took my advice to keep hydrated. I hear that the temperature in Tokyo will hit a record high in the next few days.

Sincerely,

Hijirikawa Masato

\------------------------------------

To: Hijirikawa Masato (hijirikawamasato corp .com

From: Jinguji Ren (moereru. rose

Subject: re: re: re: re: re: no subject

I drank water.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Why did you look for me?"

Masato and Ren sat on a marble stone bench away from the party that still waged on in the building behind them. They were in the garden and it felt secluded there shrouded in darkness. It was as if they really stole away and even though it was silly, Masato felt just as naughty about it as he did back in the day. Though it was also just as gratifying.

They had been chatting about any and everything. Of course they spoke some about STARISH. About how much of a workaholic Tokiya was being (business as usual there) and the way Otoya went through a big heart break after Haruka went and "eloped" with Masato. Apparently he too was convinced Haruka was the one for him. Perhaps it shouldn't have been a surprise. Cecil suddenly gained a lot of popularity recently since he and Tomochika were co-hosting a weekly variety show together.

It was nice hearing about that stuff but it was also nice just talking about normal things as well like how bad the food at the party was or the best way to wake oneself up in the morning. Ren's answer being something best not repeated.

Somehow though Masato found himself asking that. He was curious really. Of course he did think of STARISH sometimes, including his rival but he was never bold enough to pursue the line of thought. He did what he felt was right but understood how it could easily be perceived as a betrayal.

And so he asked it.

"Why did you look for me?"

Ren didn't look surprised. He answered, "Because I liked you."

Masato's brows knitted in confusion.

"Liked me?

"Don't play stupid with me. You're a married man and a father. You're not as innocent as some may have pegged you, myself included."

Masato really didn't know what Ren meant by that. Drawing a parallel between whatever Ren meant by having liked him and his relationship with Haruka, which admittedly was less innocent if you go by the public version of events, sent a light blush to warm across his cheek

Ren continued, "I just had to see you one more time to make sure if my feelings still exist."

"And?"

"They do."

The blush became heavy to the point Masato felt it even down his neck and further still as a flutter in his stomach. He wasn't prepared for such a thought and he feared his head might break should he pursue it. He felt he owed to to Ren to reply to him however.

"I have to admit... the thought never came to my mind."

"The thought that I could possibly like you?" Ren asked.

"Yes," Masato answered

"Well I did... and I guess I do."

"Even though I'm a man?"

"Uhm... what?" Ren asked. "Masato, I'm gay so I guess, yeah."

"You're... gay?"

Ren rolled his eyes, "Yes. Wow you're really oblivious. I think even Haruka knows that I'm gay. You must be the last to know."

"I'm sorry I just had no idea," apologized Masato.

Ren actually looked sheepish as he scratched the back of his head. It reminded Masato of something Otoya would do and he was amused at how mannerism became interchanged when living in such close quarters.

"Well now you do."

"Why are you telling me this now?" Masato asked.

"You're married now. It's not like it changes anything."

"I guess..."

A silence passed between them and Masato opted to stare at his knees instead of look at the friend beside him. It wasn't something Masato wanted to make more awkward than it already was. He was sure it wasn't Ren's intention in telling him that. He supposed he could see how for Ren it would seem safe to confess to a married friend. You didn't have to worry about rejection if the person was already spoken for.

"You should have told me earlier."

"Why? Apparently you were already screwing Haruka anyway."

"Don't talk about my wife like that," Masato glared.

"I'm sorry. I mean courting her. Is that better?"

Masato decided to let it go for now and crossed his arms over his chest when suddenly a thought came to his mind. He remembered when he liked Haruka and how much he imagined being with her and doing things together. It was a bit jarring to think of someone liking him.

He never considered those things. But he was a healthy man, one with a sexual need, and the images now in his mind burned him like fire. They served as a kindling, a sort of fuel, igniting some foreign desires never once considered beforehand. He was married and yet he found himself excited, aroused even by these ideas implanted in his mind of him and his rival. He was oddly enough curious and he stole a glance at his friend and thought, well he was handsome, and certainly it could be worse a far as partners go.

Swallowing the lump that was beginning to form in his throat he dropped the topic all together with a nod.

After returning home from the party the house was quiet and dark. Haruka and the baby both were asleep, which was impressive. Kazuma had the agenda of making sure his mother had as little sleep as possible. Though Masato tried to help as he could it was rarely enough.

Undressing and crawling into the futon beside Haruka he stared wide eyed at the ceiling. His mind replayed the events of the party even down to the strange conversation with Ren. Again he became aroused by his curiosity. Images of himself and Ren plagued him and he shifted to the side towards hiss wife to stare at her instead. She was sleeping peacefully and the moonlight illuminated her face and torso which were left uncovered by the comforter. Her yukata had opened revealing her breasts swollen with milk.

He wanted to touch her so badly. He refrained though, afraid to cross his boundaries. He imagined kneading and sucking her breasts and he was hard from the thought of it. Panting into his pillow he began to stroke himself feeling so much like a creep despite the fact the woman he was staring at was his wife.

When he closed his eyes however the image began to change. Instead of Haruka's supple curves and soft flesh he instead saw himself hovering over a man. When he came Ren's voice was like a mantra in his head, husky and deep.

"I like you."

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Masato vowed to be henceforth faithful to Haruka. She was pregnant with his child and his wife. He should have never stepped out of that boundary in the first place no matter how much he had been tempted. Of course it was one thing to tell oneself you would be faithful and tell your partner you didn't wish to see him again.

The initial tactic was to feign being busy. He figured it wouldn't be too hard to keep Ren at arms length that way. In actuality the best thing for him to do would be to completely sever his relationship with Ren cleanly and explain that he desired to remain faithful to Haruka and focus on his family. But Masato just didn't have it in him to say it like that. After all, Ren already knew about his wife and child. Why should another one on the way have changed anything between them? It would merely look fickle on Masato's part and maybe stir up some conflict if he brought it up that way.

As he sat at his computer staring at Ren's last message he wondered if he was supposed to be more clear about it. Whether it was best just to say it outright. The more he considered it though the more he felt like he didn't want to sever his ties. He'd known Ren for his entire life and he should be able to continue their friendship even now despite the way it had crossed into the physical.

He hunched forward grabbing his hair in frustration. It was best not to think about it. Ren never bothered him before. It was always Masato who initiated all of their times together. If Masato said nothing else for the rest of the week Ren wouldn't even suspect a thing. Perhaps Ren didn't really care.

Content with that solution Masato sat back again and exited out of his email. He had work to finish and Ren had left little to reply to anyway.

He looked at his desk calender with the different appointments scribbled in to the large squares marking each date. The rest of May was completely booked even the weekends. In blue Saturday was circled to indicate the visit to the OBGYN for the ultrasound.

Using his thumb Masato fiddled with the edges of the of the calender. He hesitated a few seconds before lifting the sheet and looking at the dates for June. Already important memos and dates were marked. However, the 1st, the day Ren would be in Osaka was open.

The empty square taunted him. He wasn't going to meet Ren. He already made the promise to himself and informed Ren that he would be too busy to go over there.

Osaka was close by though, only a few minutes trip by train should he choose to go. The 1st was a Sunday, the day after the ultrasound.

Masato lowered the page though his fingers lingered at the edge. A moment passed before he moved, lifting it again. He grabbed a pen from the side, felt tipped and orange, and marked the 1st with a tiny little dot: a symbol and meaning barely seen.

-to be continued-


	4. Chapter 4

Sometimes Masato wondered if the problem was him that Haruka never seemed to be truly comfortable. She was content and she smiled, sure. But she never seemed to relax. Whenever he walked into a room she was in she seemed to sit a bit straighter and be more alert.

An example of the phenomenon came that evening. They had just finished eating dinner: tuna salad, soup, rice, burdock root, and fried chicken. Instead of helping Haruka clean up right away Masato has went with Kazuma to seat him at the piano and run some scales. Kazuma's tiny fingers ran halfheartedly through the notes and Masato wanted to scold him but was held back only by remembering the admonition received from Ren in the earlier emails.

Contenting himself that Kazuma wouldn't run off Masato returned to the kitchen. Before announcing himself he stood at the threshold watching Haruka's back. Her shoulders were slumped and she worked methodically transferring dishes from the kitchen island to the inside of the sink.

"He's running his scales now," Masato spoke and immediately he noticed the change.

Haruka stiffened and turned to smile at him.

"Oh that's great. He was giving me trouble about it earlier."

Masato moved to join her side, touching her elbow as he neared. She pulled away but corrected her movement so it looked like she were merely adjusting to allow him room.

"Does he not seem to enjoy your lessons?" Masato asked picking up a rag to dry the dishes.

Haruka shook her head, "Why do you ask that?"

"Whenever I sit with him it's like I'm torturing him by making him play."

"He's just a boy," Haruka said shaking her head. She passed him a bowl. "Maybe he needs time to warm up to it."

"Did you need time?" replied Masato.

"Me? No! I loved it from the beginning."

"Maybe Kazuma doesn't want to play piano," he paused in his drying. "Maybe he'd rather do something else."

"Something else?" Haruka questioned brow raised. Her hands were deep in the soapy water and she didn't seem to be washing anything else as she awaited his answer.

"Like perhaps a different instrument entirely. Or even taking up karate or kendo."

"At 5 years old?"

"What difference does it make as long as he enjoys it?"

Haruka shook her head and resumed her cleaning though Masato of course noted the aggressive way she stuffed a ladle into the dish rack rather than his waiting hands. Masato gingerly took it out.

"Why are you asking this now? We agreed piano."

"But Kazuma didn't."

"He's 5 years old!" Haruka bit revealing that spark that always resided in her but chose to remain dormant most of the time.

"A lot of children do many things at his age. I did."

"He's learning piano. He's already started and he's going to continue. That's how it works. We play piano so why won't he?" Haruka said, looking him square in the face this time dishes really forgotten.

Masato pried the pot from her hands and she let it go.

"Of course he can play piano but what about something else too?"

"He's taking English after school on Thursday. He doesn't need to do anything more."

"Oh..."

Masato had forgotten about the English and that had been Haruka's idea as well. Actually Masato didn't see the point of it. The school had a good reputation but he hadn't really seen any progress in his son other than knowing some colors and animals. But at the same time he couldn't take him out if that was what Haruka wanted for him. He was currently in the process of searching for a better school but was finding it hard as everything seemed to be gimmicky rather than serious.

"Can't we just... drop this until after his recital?" Haruka asked, and she sounded tired.

Masato noted the way her shoulders drooped but they weren't relaxed in the way he would want them to be. They were defeated rather than rested.

"I can finish the dishes. You check on his scales, OK?" Masato offered.

Haruka didn't even argue. Her hands were out of the water so fast. She wiped her hands on her apron and without even looking at him she retreated from the room. It was like she had to escape and he wondered what it was that he did to make her feel that way around him.

He didn't want his family to be unhappy and yet they couldn't even discuss their son in a normal fashion. What would happen when the second one arrived? Masato tried not to worry but he couldn't help but feel that Haruka was less and less his wife every day and more and more just a mother to the child, soon children, in their home.

Was this a normal point of view? The point of marriage was for the children, right? The idea of love was a novel concept. It wasn't nearly as old as marriage itself. The family was a unit working together for the well being of each member. Nowhere was it promised anything else to him even on the day Haruka accepted his out stretched hand.

Perhaps this was the only possible result after marrying a woman you loved.

Masato finished the dishes and exited the room. Kazuma was no longer on the piano bench and he went up the stairs only to hear voices coming from the bathroom. Seconds later Kazuma ran out of the bathroom giggling in his fresh pajamas with a towel draped over his shoulders.

"Dad!"

He ran into his father's legs. Masato bent to grab him and pick him up swinging him in the air as Kazuma's arms tightened around his neck for support. Masato heard the giggles right in his ear and his shirt became damp with the water that was still dripping from the boy's hair.

\-------------------------------------------------------

The fact that Seduction was no Masato's forte as was becoming so clear to him during dinner that evening with Ren. The newly wed and new father was shaking like a leaf in typhoon force winds. Ren eyed him with what Masato could only describe as a flirtatious gaze. Like clockwork Ren leaned backwards in his seat letting his hand rest beside his plate of pasta as a low chuckle issued from his throat. Masato couldn't help but swallow thickly as he watched the other man's adam apple move in his throat.

"You're asking me for sex advice?" Ren's voice held as much disbelief as it did a teasing note. "I would think you'd be an expert. Isn't that how you impregnated her in the first place. I'm sure there was a reason she kept coming back for more."

Masato's hands clenched underneath the table ripping a paper napkin to shreds. He closed his eyes taking a deep calming breath. He expected such a reply.

"I apologize if you were under that impression," Masato replied at length, lifting his eyes towards his dinner partner. "Haruka and I are quite inexperienced even now."

Of course Ren's reaction was to laugh.

"I'm sorry, Hijirikawa. As much as I'd love to help you two you do remember I'm gay, right?"

"Of course I do," rejoined Masato. "But you've been with women before right?"

"Only once," admitted Ren.

"Well, you don't have to tell me about women then."

Ren titled his head and his face showed he was intrigued by what Masato was saying. Masato blushed under the gaze, ducking his head down feeling a bit unsure how to proceed. His plan to seduce Ren was not going as he had hoped. And really, Masato was feeling like a fool for even trying. Their experience levels at this type of thing were surely to be mismatched. Masato's only partner had ever been Haruka and even that had taken quite a bit of work to accomplish.

He noted pitifully that his hands were clammy while his head and pits had begun to sweat.

"What about the men?"

"What about them?"

"What did you do with them?" Masato swallowed and tried to be bold. "What would you do with me?"

A look of surprise appeared on Ren's face and if the situation had been different perhaps Masato would have celebrated at having been able to get one over on the guy. However the expression didn't last as Ren's glance hardened into stone.

Ren began, voice cold, "If I didn't know any better I'd think you were trying to seduce me."

"Maybe I am," Masato pressed on.

Ren huffed, "Is this why you called me?"

Masato hesitated and Ren's charity scrapped loudly against the floor as he moved to stand but Masato reached out to grab his wrist.

"Jinguji, wait!"

Ren allowed himself to be caught though he still stared coldly down at the pianist.

"Unsatisfying..." Masato paused trying to reach into himself for the words.

"What? What's unsatisfying?" Ren pressed.

Home life, work life, friendships, every single thing ran through Masato's mind.

He pictured Haruka at home with the baby and he never felt more like an ass than he did at that moment. He was shaking all over because he was going into it premeditated. It wasn't like he could just say it just happened. Not even a full month had passed after reuniting at the gala did he arrange to meet with Ren with the express purpose of using him. He was bad all around and yet Masato couldn't help but be selfish.

Finally words came.

"My sex life is unsatisfying."

If looks could kill Masato would have been struck dead on the spot by the glare send his way as Ren pulled his tanned arm away. He basically spat his words.

"I don't fuck with married men. You're no exception."

\---------------------------------------------

Freshly bathed Masato exited the bathroom Yukata tied tightly at his waist. He walked down the hall and stopped at the 2nd bedroom and peered into the doorway. Haruka was reclining next to Kazuma on a futon, the two reading a children's book. The two looked very happy smiling at each other as they enjoyed the adventures of Thomas the blue little train.

Haruka was the first to notice them and she gave him a questioning look.

"Did you want the bath? I can read the book with him," offered Masato.

Kazuma looked over at him as well then glanced at his mother awaiting her answer.

"I can read it," she said returning to the story.

"It'll be easier for him to sleep if you're ready at the same time as him. Aren't you sleeping in here anyway? I'll read it."

Masato entered the room and sat on the futon on the other side of Kazuma.

"Where were you left in the book?" Masato asked.

"You can't just start in the middle of the book. You have to read the entire thing!" protested Kazuma. "Go away, Mommy's reading it."

"You can't tell your father to 'go away'" admonished Haruka but she still looked at Masato sheepishly as if apologizing. "Why don't you go to bed, OK. We're fine in here."

Although he probably should Masato got up without a fuss and exited the room as Haruka and Kazuma continued their story. He went to his bedroom, sterile but for his futon already laid out for the night by Haruka while he had been in the bath. The walls were bare but for a few Japanese paintings.

Turning on his light he entered and crossed the room folding his towel and setting it aside. He stretched out against the comforter and noticed a blue flickering light peaking out of his work bag. It was his phone. He dug it out. There were of course the usual outpouring of new emails since having left the office. The wasn't anything new.

However, he also noted how there wasn't a single new correspondence from Ren. Sure, they had only last spoken since that morning but it made him feel a little lonely. His wife and son were in the other room but he didn't feel welcome to join them. But he wouldn't contact Ren. That was a silent promise to himself and he would keep it.

-to be continued-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fandom is really small . it makes me really sad. I wish that this fandom had more people. Oh well. Anyway if you read this and like it thank you.


	5. Chapter 5

Despite Ren's angrily storming out of the building in a huff of righteous anger they met again only two weeks later. This time Ren had made initial contact and Masato felt all of his nerves set on edge at the promise held by it. Ren had seemed too indignant the last he had seen him; He went nearly flying out of the restaurant. Masato wouldn't have been surprised if they'd never met again. And yet, there they were, this time in a penthouse way above ground in an expensive hotel sharing an expensive bottle of wine..

Ren swirled the liquid in his glass absent minded before draining the contents down his throat. Masato had never seen the other drink so quickly and was surprised when Ren began to fill the glass again. He grabbed Ren's sleeve and their eyes made brief contact before Ren shrugged him away and continued to fill it.

"Shouldn't you slow down?" Masato asked allowing his hand to drop into his lap.

His own glass of wine was still a quarter full. He was going a more reasonable pace into it.

"I need to drink to numb what I'm about to do."

Masato frowned and turned his body slightly away from his partner and took a sip of his drink.

"If you feel that way about it why did you call me here?"

Ren let out a huff that was also part laugh.

"I already told you I like you."

"Yeah? And you also said I'm married."

Ren shrugged, "I guess I'd also like to scratch an itch."

Masato frowned and gazed at his friend who was again knocking back the glass of wine as if it were something as simple as juice. He didn't want to press the subject any longer. He knew he wasn't forcing Ren into something he didn't wish to do. If that were the case then Ren would have cut their communication off weeks ago after the offense, not call him and invite him to his suite for more.

Still, it was a bit awkward sitting beside a Ren who was obviously still having some inhibitions. It wasn't like Masato was blameless. He was the one who should have the most reservations between the two of them but oddly enough he was relaxed. Perhaps it was because of Ren's jitters that he was able to remain so calm.

Ren made the first move. Masato felt it first as a hand moving across him and moving to his inner thigh. He let it rest there ignoring the impulse to close his legs together. Instead he let Ren's hand linger as they both finished off their glasses of wine.

Then suddenly he was turned in his stool, swiveled so that he faced Ren and his breath caught at the way Ren's face was so close to his. He noted the red stain of blush, either from the wine or their proximity, across Ren's tanned cheeks. Masato left his glass on the table and let his arms raise cradling that face in his hands instead. Ren took that as an invitation and leaned even closer. Their heads tilted and then lips met in a hot first kiss.

Masato's heart rate rose as his stomach did flips; he loved the way Ren eagerly moved and opened his mouth against his. Letting his mouth fall open Ren's tongue entered. It was hot and Masato was gathered from the stool into Ren's hot embrace so roughly he half stood. Ren's hands kneaded and pulled at his ass through his trousers. The sensation evoked a moan from him.

"Fuck," Masato was near breathless when the kiss was broken and he didn't have time to recover.

Ren was at it again. He nearly stood himself as he pulled Masato flush against him. He turned and Masato's back hit the edge of the bar. Masato hissed against Ren's tongue from the pain but he liked it. He really loved the feeling of being touched and touching. He let his fingers push and prod all over his new lover in a way he'd never done before.

Was it rude to compare? Because he couldn't help but to do so. With Haruka he'd never really touched her. With her his fingers were feather-like and careful. His ministrations barely pulled a noise from her. She didn't react to anything only to close her eyes and keep them squeezed tight. Masato loved sex because he enjoyed the feeling of the soft warm body beneath him. He loved the supple feel of flesh and the way Haruka's skin tasted against his lips. He relished in the moment when he sheathed himself in her tight warm heat and the way her body just pulled her into him and let him move. The build up was beautiful as he would work himself in and out and then he'd come and unravel into completion moments later kissing and sucking at the skin right below her ear. She never let go of him until he pulled away.

However in that moment with Ren sex was alive! It was active. It wasn't just him touching and feeling until his release. Ren too was working towards a climax with an arousal of his own. Masato could feel it and he got chills when after breaking away to kiss at the skin against Ren's jaw his partner actually moaned. He moved to place his lips on Ren's neck as if to swallow the vibrations his voice made.

Ren pushed Masato back just as he began to lick a strip up his neck.

"Do you want to stop?" Masato asked, eyes probably showing completely his worry.

"Let's move to the bedroom."

Masato didn't need to hear the invitation twice. He followed Ren into the adjoining room and didn't even take in the beautiful design of it all. He didn't however miss Ren's attempt to create an atmosphere with roses and lighted candles. He was taken aback and didn't lean into the touch when Ren came up behind him wrapping strong arms around his body.

"Sorry if you don't like it but I thought I'd like to live in a dream for one night."

Ren's breath against his body made Masato weak and he tried to ignore the implications of what Ren was hinting at about the evening. Masato knew that Ren liked him but he didn't want to think it was so serious. Ren was a playboy and everyone knew it. It was easier to do this to Ren if he could just doubt his feelings.

Masato longed for Ren's touch instantly after the taller man let go of him. He watched as Ren crossed the room and sat on the bed unbuttoning his black shirt. He didn't want to wait anymore! His patience was wearing thin. If he were with his wife he'd already be in her by now and so with that thought he strode to the bed and pounced.

"Oof," Ren fell flat against the mattress as Masato straddled his body working at Ren's buttons and finally yanking the offending piece of clothing open.

He latched his mouth to Ren's collar bone as his fingers began to fiddle with the buckle of Ren's belt. He ignored the vibration of the laugh rumbling through Ren's body intent on his task and happy when he managed to get the clasp and zipper undone as well.

"Down boy. What's the rush?" Ren asked pushing at Masato's shoulders before sitting up a bit on his elbows.

Masato clambered off his partner only to begin stripping off his own clothing.

"If this is how you go into sex I can see how it's unsatisfying," Ren said looking a bit too amused for the situation. "Maybe you really do need my advice after all."

Masato was down to his briefs and sat down on the bed.

"What do you mean?" he asked frustrated and very horny.

His hard dick was confined in his underwear and dying to get out. Ren rolled his eyes.

"Dunno how Haruka managed to deal with you this long if you don't know what the fuck you're doing."

Masato was pushed down by his chest and shuddered as Ren's hand stroked down lightly across his abdomen and then landed at the bulge in his cotton briefs. His fingers ran up and down lightly over his erection and Masato was really regretting not getting naked in the first place.

"Ah, Jinguji... please."

"Please what?" Ren ask.

"Let me," Masato moved to sit up and push Ren onto his back but Ren was stronger and didn't go down.

In fact he was still running his fingers languidly over Masato's hard length.

"Fuck... Just let me-" Masato strained, impatient. He wanted to be inside Ren immediately.

"You're like a virgin," Ren cooed. "Cute, sad for a married guy, but cute."

Masato panted keeping it to himself he'd only had sex with Haruka less than a handful of times. Though he'd gladly except more if she'd allow it.

"You want to fuck me?" Ren asked.

Masato nodded though if he'd had a clear mind he'd want to punch Ren for that self satisfied look he had on his face.

"Too bad," Ren said and then he slid off the bed and dropped to his knees on the floor.

Masato sat up more and finally Ren pulled down the boxers by the hem. Masato lifted his hips to help him and soon the piece of clothing was discarded to the side. There was no time though for Masato to even contemplate what could be next as Ren grabbed the base of Masato's member and then opening his mouth engulfed him.

A long groan came from Masato's mouth and he pushed his hips up. He wanted a blow job. Oh how he always wanted one. He watched enough porn to know what it is but he didn't know how to bring it up to Haruka. And now there he was not even having to ask Ren and receiving it and oh it felt glorious. He rested himself against one elbow as he reached forward and twisted his fingers in the hair on Ren's bobbing head.

The feeling was so good that Masato was going to come quickly. His fingers curled tighter still in Ren's hair and Ren lifted his head stopping the motion.

"Going to come already?" Ren asked teasingly.

Masato nodded with a pant.

"What?" Ren actually pouted. "But I thought you said you were going to fuck me."

Masato must have looked pained because the pout disappeared and Ren instead chuckled leaning down to nuzzle the dick he still held with a cheek.

"Fine, tell you what I'll let you come now if you promise me you can get it back up in an hour and fuck me."

"Less than an hour," Masato replied.

Ren laughed and then retook Masato into his mouth again. It was only a matter of seconds before Masato was coming hard. Ren swallowed every bit of it.

* * *

 

June came and went without a meeting between Masato and his rival-turned-secret-lover. Just as expected without Masato initiating any communication Ren never once tried to contact him. It should have made the severed connection even easier to make. However instead Masato began plagued by strange emotions.

Did Ren not miss him? Why did he never wish to talk ever? Masato didn't think it fair that he should be the one to constantly make contact with the other. He tried to reason that perhaps Ren felt doing so would overstep his boundaries. After all, discretion was needed.

But Masato was admittedly disappointed by that lack of passion. Of course he appreciated it most of the time but as the rainy June passed into a humid July and continued to roll into lazy August he wondered if he was the only one who missed it. Childishly he wanted to say, "I thought you liked me" as if he even had the right.

Selfishly Masato knew that his self imposed ban would not last. He had a business trip in Tokyo near the end of the month and when he was in Tokyo he contacted Ren. That's how it worked for years. He wasn't going to pretend he would do otherwise this time.

His family life was good because it was normal. He had a pregnant wife, a young child and a stable career. They wanted for nothing materially and he knew the feelings he had for Kazuma were as strong as a tightly bound cable. Though he could not speak for his wife, he knew subconsciously there was some gaping hole there emotionally. He had to have known, when not even a year into the situation he sought the illicit companionship of another.

He rationalized his actions as he typed in the email from his Tokyo office in Marunouchi requesting to see him for dinner that evening. Provided Ren was free they'd meet. Masato was willing to wait. He convinced himself they were meeting as the friends that they were. Nothing immoral had to take place - he drowned the voice in his head that said it did.

As always Ren assented though he apologized that his schedule would run late. Would dinner at 11 be OK? It was. Masato made reservations at a nice place near his rooms for the night.

"I thought you forgot about me," Ren teased playfully from across the table.

It was a nice intimate setting. The restaurant was devoid of any other patrons. Masato's reservation was for after hours after all. Before them sat a spread of the highest Japanese cuisine. Ren was eating but Masato wasn't hungry.

"I've only been busy," he answered.

"I know that," Ren replied good-naturedly. "You wouldn't forget about us. I know it."

Masato sighed, "I contacted you because business brought me into Tokyo."

"You don't have to explain. I know why."

Masato pulled his leg back when he felt the nudge of Ren's food against his. He cleared his throat.

"We're good friends," he paused on friends and chanced a glance at Ren to gauge the response. Upon receiving none but the usual gaze he continued. "And I'm sorry I neglected our friendship."

"No need to apologize. The impetus isn't just on you to continue this, you know. I could have called you too if I wanted to meet."

Masato felt a strange stirring in his gut. It was a feeling he recognized immediately as disappointment.

"You didn't wish to meet?" Masato asked and he hoped his feelings didn't register in his voice. Ren would definitely detect it.

"I never said I didn't wish to meet. My work has only brought me to your area the once in the time since our last meeting and you denied it, didn't you?"

It was true.

"It's... the pregnancy and I've been busy with that and-"

He was floundering and he just wanted to be saved from speaking. Ren answered his prayers but the words were no more nicer.

"I have my own life too, you know," Ren countered. "I assure you I'm not sitting by the phone waiting like a dog for your call."

"I never said that you were."

"I'm sure you like to entertain the thought that I am."

And Masato's frown deepened because he never put it on those terms. But yes, yes he did want Ren to be available. He liked being able to rely on him and be with him when he was needed. It was almost like a proper relationship albeit maybe one sided as far as power went. He dictated when they met, where they met and for how long.

"Do you not like being with me?" Masato asked.

"I don't do anything I don't want to do."

Of course Ren didn't. Masato knew that and it gave him hope too that Ren cherished their time together. Ren continued to speak.

"But how long did you want to continue this?"

"Continue what?"

Ren clarified, "This relationship of ours. Pretending that it's just friendship and nothing else."

"But it is," Masato noted the desperate tone in his own voice.

"Really?"

Ren's foot, now free of its shoe traveled against Masato's pants leg and this time Masato didn't pull back. He clutched instead to his chopsticks until his knuckles turned white.

"I'm married. I have a kid, soon to be two, there is nothing else this can be."

"So then why?"

"Why what?" Masato asked ignoring the feel of the socked foot pressing against his inner thigh.

"Why do you insist on coming here? Do you really expect me to hang on forever?"

"No, I-" Masato hesitated unsure of what to say.

He never considered whether Ren would move on and find a true lover of his own. It was only fair if Masato were keeping this as a shallow tryst that Ren would also cut it off as he pleased.

"We're friends. Of course you aren't expected to hang on forever," he said finally.

Ren's foot fell but otherwise nothing changed about his outward mannerisms. No indication that he even cared.

"I have been terrible to my wife; I was overtaken by a bit of guilt. She's already 7 months pregnant, the last we met 5. I thought I should focus on them more and my family rather than-"

"Rather than me."

"R,right," stammered Masato, though he continued on smoothly. "I contacted you tonight because we're friends and I thought that we could continue our relationship amicably. There is nothing to be ashamed about in having a friend."

"There isn't," Ren assented. "So does this mean you haven't rented a room?"

Masato blushed. Of course he rented a room despite his family owning a large place in the city. The color in his companion's face was enough for Ren to understand Masato's true colors and he grinned though it was a bit scary as it didn't mask his displeasure.

"You're such full of shit," he said as he stood.

"Wait," Masato stood as well reaching out for but not touching his partner directly. "You aren't finished eating are you? We still have a lot to catch up on."

Ren glanced at Masato's outstretched arm.

"Let me guess, at your hotel suite, right?"

Masato appeared scolded but Ren only sighed and took Masato's whiter hand.

"Let's go," he consented and pulled him off.

Outside of the restaurant Ren called a cab and then entered. Masato followed wordlessly and sat in the cab glad that Ren didn't complain when he sat too closely. He felt utterly foolish. Naturally he couldn't deceive Ren despite having deceived himself. He was a fool to ever have believed so.

They returned to his hotel and he wanted to make the moment last. Ren had other plans though and began to act aggressively. Masato closed his eyes tightly letting his hands glide through Ren's silky hair. They tumbled onto the suite's couch and saw fit to continue there.

Masato tried not to let himself keep wondering what it could mean. He just let himself indulge in the touch and ignored the way that his heart soared in his chest at the same time as it ached terribly. He told Ren that they were just friends and Ren countered by calling him out on his infidelity and the premeditation behind it. But despite that Ren still was allowing Masato to embrace him and he felt so grateful.

They didn't make love. He wouldn't tell himself that anymore. They were having sex though it was somehow beautiful. As he came down from his high and reluctantly slipped out of his friend's willing body he gave a breathy thank you into his ear. Ren didn't reply.

Pulling off the condom Masato moved to the bed, tossing the used item into the trash can. Ren went to the shower. Masato spread himself against the lush high quality blankets. He could have easily fallen asleep against those beautiful soft cushions but he didn't want to risk Ren leaving as he slumbered. Luckily Ren's noisily exiting the bathroom jerked open his heavy eyelids.

"You're still awake," he said slipping into bed beside his friend.

"I waited for you," Masato said, only realizing belatedly how romantic it could sound.

Ren took it in stride as usual and leaned down to place a kiss against the side of Masato's mouth. Masato's eyes fluttered close and opened when Ren pulled back.

"I'm sorry," Masato uttered.

"Why?"

"I'm sorry if you think I use you. I don't mean to say this is only about sex," Masato said beginning the dinner conversation anew.

Ren sighed and turned his back to Masato, "Let's just forget it. I knew what I was getting into when I started screwing around with a married man. I understand now. You came tonight to break it off. I don't even know what I was expecting."

Masato watched Ren's back sadly for a moment before scooting over and wrapping his arms around Ren's torso. He sat up a bit letting his chin rest upon Ren's shoulder and taking in the smell of the hotel's expensive shampoo. He heard the rumble of Ren's voice through his back as he spoke.

"I went to France last month. You wouldn't have even been able to reach me if you tried. If you never contacted me today you probably would have never known. I wasn't going to tell you."

Masato was unsure how to respond. He decided to go with the standard reply of asking how the trip went.

Ren chuckled, "It was the Tour de France. Pretty impressive, huh?"

"Oh," Masato said curiosity piqued. "I didn't know you liked bicycles."

"That's why it's so funny. I honestly don't care one bit about that kind of thing."

"Then why did you go?" pressed Masato feeling slightly cautious.

"It was important for someone that I be there."

It was vague words, especially for Ren but Masato tried to listen.

Ren sighed, "I really meant it when I said you're not the only one with things going on in their life. I have been busy too. Not just with work. I've been seeing someone."

Masato took in a sharp breath as if stung. His hold on Ren slackened but the idol continued on speaking.

"It wasn't serious at first. But when you didn't contact me all of that time I got to do a lot of thinking and going to France and finally being with Toudou, I mean really being with him without hearing from you at all it just really... He had someone he loved but it didn't work out and I just... I guess somehow we could connect that way."

Ren turned and Masato let him, backing off and giving his friend space.

"If things work out with him then I can't continue this with you."

It was like being slapped in the face and then subsequently being doused with ice cold water. Masato shuddered and then recoiled turning his entire body away from Ren. He pulled the sheet on the bed up higher over his nakedness and he felt shamed to be there and hearing any of it.

"Masato?"

Masato couldn't answer. He couldn't speak. His right hand flew to his chest, grasping at the deep pain there. He bit his lip. Ren might have someone else. The harsh reality stung. He was afraid because he felt like he could just hear the smile in Ren's voice.

"Masato?"

"Why did you even come here?" Masato asked pulling the sheet up further. He wanted to disappear. He wanted to die and he wasn't even sure of the reasons. "Why did you even come?"

"Because you called."

"But if you have someone now why would you come to me?"

Masato wouldn't look at Ren despite asking the question. Instead he sat with his knees pulled up covered by expensive fine blankets. He was afraid to turn and see Ren real and clear as day beside him. He didn't want to validate the conversation despite it being one the pair needed so desperately to have.

"Masato, look at me."

Masato refused.

"Hijirikawa!"

Masato's head snapped up and he was met with Ren's fierce penetrating gaze, calm but with a fire burning within. Masato always wanted so much to touch the flame but never knew how and after that night he didn't know when he'd next be able to try.

Ren looked beautiful with his hair disheveled and damp against his sun kissed skin. Masato wanted to run his fingers over every inch of him so he'd never forget. He imagined reaching out and pressing his fingers against the sides of Ren's neck and running down across his broad shoulders. He wanted to kiss him right where the adam's apple bobbed. He wanted to claim him and lay in their tiny little space forever.

Why couldn't time stop in their rented rooms!?

"Why did you come here?" Masato asked, this time daring to look Ren again and face that burning gaze. "After over 2 months. After France. After you and-"

"I just wanted to see you," Ren interrupted. "I wanted to make certain if my feelings still exist"

Masato was frightened because they already had the same exact conversation years ago but he asked anyway, "And are they? The same."

Ren looked a little sad. It was a sadness only someone who knew him enough to read him could decipher. It was a cooling of that ever present flame deep in his eyes. A melancholy that leaked from his amber core.

"They do."

Masato wanted to break right then but he didn't allow himself. His heart felt about the burst but instead he watched impassively as Ren also gazed at his form. They both sat naked in the bed bare both of their clothing and supposedly exposing too their hearts. Ren's was held out in front of him.

"I love you."

Masato's heart beat loudly in his ears. Too loudly. He felt like he was drowning. He had been worried so much about if Ren liked him and rather than like it was love that spilled forth from his lover's mouth. Ren mistook his silence for something else, perhaps a negative reaction rather than one of excitement for he went on speaking again.

"You have a son and another on the way. You have a wife. I should have never gotten in between that. You are right to end it regardless of my feelings. Even though I... feel the way I do..."

Ren stopped himself and Masato wanted to tell him so bad that he was wrong, so wrong. That they didn't have to end it and he'd been so foolish to suggest that they should. He didn't want to lose him. Not to some cycling guy. Ren wasn't supposed to be with an athlete. Ren was beautiful and sensitive despite his attitude and only Masato as his rival should be able to see that just as Masato hoped that Ren could at that moment hear the way his heart cried out to him. But of course he didn't.

He suddenly remembered everything he ever been through with the man beside him. He recalled the days of their youth playing at different functions due to their family businesses. His mind also painted the picture for him of their time at the academy, auditions, exams, and different preparations leading up to that beautiful day the 6 of them stood on stage together as STARISH. In the beginning of the group they had been inseparable and it was only later the slightly shier Masato made friends with the others in their groups but definitely not without the help of Ren. Ren was always there for catch him and support him through all of their trials and in the 5 years he was with STARISH he had never once truly showed his appreciation for it.

But he did! He appreciated every single bit of it now. The acting tips, the advice about the over-sentimentality of his song lyrics or even the mundane fashion advice Masato had thrown out as useless was precious to him now as a memory. They had tried so many new things together including takoyaki and various other commoner foods. Teasing Ranmaru too was a warm thought.

Even when the others were angry at him after he married Haruka and resigned from the group it was Ren who reached out a hand to him. He was a support he could have even in the outside world when work and company matters grew turbulent. When his dreams of the perfect life with a woman he had until just recently managed to keep deceiving himself he loved were on a day by day basis failing to be realized it was Ren who even lent his support there.

Ren had done so much for him and Masato failed to think of one reason why Ren should love him the way he did. Masato never did nothing. He really did only take. As he sat there stunned without the ability to formulate any articulate thought and fighting back a fresh spring of tears from sprouting from his eyes he wondered how he could be so stupid as not to see the meaning of his own actions and feelings.

He loved Jinguji Ren. It wasn't a matter of sex evoking such an emotional response as he initially chose to believe. He honestly loved Ren from the top of his head to his toes. From the beginning it was Ren and that was why the first kiss had burned him so hotly. It wasn't mere passion that consumed him. Their first coupling was a realization of both of their long pent up feelings and he had degraded them by making them out to be less than what they actually were.

Masato knew then that he had to tell him and nothing could keep him back.

"But you're wrong," Masato finally gathered the strength to say. "Kazuma isn't my son."

He missed the shocked expression on Ren's face at his confession as he had chosen that moment to close his eyes against the tears now falling freely against his damp cheeks.

"Jinguji Ren, I love you too and always have."

-to be continued-


	6. Chapter 6

When the circumstances surrounding the advent of a person's marriage was what Masato's situation was did it make any of his misdeeds any more justifiable? He could tell himself a million times how he felt utterly mistreated or unneeded but wouldn't the reply remain the same? He chose this and therefore he had to live with it.

He didn't know why he was saying the words that spilled out his mouth because nothing he said could take back the reality of what his life really was. Saying that he loved Ren and that Kazuma wasn't his son wouldn't change the reality that he chose to dedicate his life to the boy and his mother when he asked her hand in marriage 6 years prior.

Yet he said it and once out the words were no longer capable of being reeled back in. They were out and exposed to the scrutiny of his partner sitting beside him naked on the bed.

There was a heavy stunned silence that Masato, in his emotionally distraught state, couldn't even begin to read. He was too busy trying to quell the out pouring of hot heavy salted tears that slipped from his eyes. Shamefully he raised a hand and wiped at the quickly reddening wet skin of his cheeks.

"I love you so much and it's killing me," he choked out as if for good measure, maybe more for himself than the benefit of his still speechless partner.

Perhaps Ren did not know how to reply or at least where to begin. The gravity of both pronouncements were of course strong. He was at a lost truly and unsure whether to feel happy.

Masato though he felt a tad lightened in his heart at the outpouring of such a heavy revelation. His true feelings for the man in bed with him were finally put into words and laid out before the pair of lovers. However there was also with it a measure of guilt, something like the feeling of betrayal that also simultaneously plagued him though not for Haruka. No, not her but rather the boy Kazuma, the one he regarded hitherto as if he were his own flesh and blood.

Masato took Ren's silence as permission to speak. After years of misunderstanding the truth would be revealed.

"When I married Haruka and up until just recently I convinced myself that I loved her. I realize now though that I never truly did in the way I thought I did."

"You loved her enough to knock her up," Ren retorted with clear venom in his voice.

"But that's what I'm trying to tell you. Kazuma isn't my son!" Masato quickly lashed out in return, turning blazing eyes towards Ren and beating his hand against the mattress of the bed. "Back then, all those years ago I never touched Haruka not even once. I wasn't even dating her when we got engaged. Ichinose was!"

"Toki," surprise registered in Ren's voice.

"After Mikaze told us of her condition Ichinose wanted her to get rid of the baby. Of course they quarreled and neither wanted to give in. He broke her and I couldn't stand to watch it so I did what I thought I was supposed to do. I realize I was foolish. But I thought this is... that it was finally my chance!"

Ren laughed incredulously, "You are ridiculous."

Masato looked wounded to be laughed at in his time of honest expression.

"Who do you think you are?" Ren went on. "Do you think you're some kind of knight?"

"So what if I did? I thought it was an honorable thing to do. I thought I loved her, or everything I thought she represented. And yet... not that I don't love her. We raised Kazuma together of course I regard her somehow now. I never could hate her and she's still the Nanami we both knew back then but now I know that the same as I didn't truly love her that I don't love her now. I always loved you."

Ren's lips were down turned in a contemplative frown. He observed Masato for a bit, perhaps weighing his options and whether or not he believed him. But Masato was a dam broken and unwilling to be silenced.

"I had my life pictured one way. I thought that I would marry a woman, like Haruka, sweet, gentle, kind, a musician who understood my passion and reciprocated it. I never met many women before her, she was the first who fit the bill and so I obsessed over her. Other options never were considered. I never thought they were allowed. I knew what life awaited me in the future with my family's company and the responsibilities that held. I would have a wife, a job and a family. Loving you was never supposed to be an option."

"And it still isn't one," Ren finally responded.

"But-"

Ren held up his hand stopping Masato's protest.

"Whatever you or I feel it doesn't change the fact that you're married. Even if anything could have been done about it before you have a son on the way now. Masato my feelings haven't changed. I love you but, you're selfish."

Masato winced.

"You're only telling me this because of the prospect of losing me has arisen. If I never told you about Toudou would you even have told me you loved me, even if it's true? And I believe it I do. But you're selfish. You won't give up your life with Kazuma and Haruka for me. Nor will I ask you to. Appearances are way too important to you and always have been. Enjoy your life Masato. I no longer want to be dragged along with it. Sometimes you can't reverse the decisions you've made. This is a prime example of one of them."

* * *

 

He risked everything when he married her. It was a gamble but he chanced it. He discarded his own dreams and STARISH for the chance to hold her hand in his. He endured the reproving remarks of his family as they believed he impregnated Haruka and defended her honor when they suggested her to be less than appropriate for the group's heir.

Standing there after their nuptials, the celebration and congratulatory remarks having died down, he squeezed her hand reassuringly and met her watery smile with a warm and firm one. She wasn't sure of this he could still tell. Maybe she regretted marrying him; lamented the fact that she could never love him the way he loved her. But it was OK for him and he was sure it'd be for her as well soon.

The baby, their baby, he wouldn't allow anyone to think otherwise, would be born in a few months time. They would give it a happy home and in turn they'd be happy. He already was and in time she'd be as well. He was sure of it. And when that happened and love blossomed in their little family it would continue to grow and who knew, maybe they'd even have more children one day.

They had an eternity to be together from then on as man and wife. They'd work through it. There weren't any other options. No matter what happened from that moment forward Masato made one tacit promise to himself and the woman next to him. From here on out they'd look and walk forward. The former life was left behind and they'd never go back.

-the end-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait. I had this ending written a long long time ago and it's actually posted in FF.net. I refrained from posting it because I knew people would think it unsatisfying. People there disliked it as well.
> 
> Let me explain why I chose this "abrupt" ending... 
> 
> This story is not supposed to be happy. It's supposed to be a realistic portrayal of infidelity. Sometimes people who cheat do end up with the other person but at the same time real life can end up looking unfair or unbearable based on the decisions we made in the past.
> 
> Ren's speech at the end is basically the complete them and moral of this story. "Sometimes you can't reverse the decisions you've made." I used him as the messenger.
> 
> This Masato that I've written and interpreted is a man who lives and built his life on appearances. He loves Ren but Ren is right in that Masato is not the type to abandon all of his premade responsibilities for him. Masato is textbook selfish and he belongs in the world of business men who cheat on their wives. He makes constant excuses for his bad behavior and not until it's spelled out for him does he take and responsibility of them. Ren becomes his conscious and voice of reason, and is understandably harsh about it
> 
> The flashback at the end ties up in a bow the events leading to his current state of unhappiness. He made this decision and he has to live with it.
> 
> Thanks for reading and sorry for taking so long to post this

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading and please anticipate the unfolding of this story. comments are appreciated! thanks again


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